Tuesday, April 18, 2006

4/18/06 - Chain Interviews

Today I had the pleasure of sitting in a Starbucks while a job interview was being conducted at the next table over. Don’t get it twisted, your boy the Daily Hater was not interviewing for Starbuck, I’m above that, but its still respectable for some people. Hell, at one point in my life I sold mattresses for a living.

Here are some of the excellent questions that Starbucks asks its potential employees:
1. Tell me about a time you had trouble at work
2. Tell me about a time you had a problem with a co-worker
3. Tell me about the last time you were late to work
4. Why do you want to work here?
5. How do you feel about our dresscode?
6. Whats your favorite Starbucks drink?
7. Whats your biggest weakness
8. Are you looking at Starbucks as a career?

The list goes on and on. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to not get a job as a barista (I use the word barista reluctantly, lets call them coffee lackeys)

Here are some proposed answers to the above questions:
1. Mad customers were getting up in my face. They wanted a product we didn’t have. Dude kept yelling, so I slapped his ass.
2. Well, me and Jamal was trying to slip some product out the back when he insisted on getting a cut of the action. I refused and a scuffle ensued. Work was awkward after that. (Note: this is meant to play to the racial stereotypes that suburban Starbucks managers likely have, not to reflect my own)
3. The last time? How about every time?
4. My shit just got repo’ed. I’s got to get paid. Also, I love the corny music you guys play on continual loop.
5. I will not have my personality censored by your corporate bureaucracy
6. I like the free water pitchers you guys have at some locations.
7. My work ethic
8. Yeah, I think I have middle management written all over me.

The funniest part of the interview is hearing the manager describe how great the work environment is. “We have a team atmosphere,” “We have a great training program,” “Starbucks keeps growing and there’s room for you to grow,” “You’ll learn the best method to clean toilets!”

Lets view the job for what it is: a weigh station before you move on to another job.

For all you self-righteous managers who think these interviews are serious: I hate you.

And a special second daily hate:
For all you fools who fail the interview: I really hate you.

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